Graffitis

Graffitis. I love them all. They made my day.

• All racists who are prepared to die for their country, why not now?
• Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
• Superman is a travestite.
• Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
• Lower the age of puberty!
• God bless Atheism
• I drink to make other people interesting.
• My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex.
• An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead.
• I invented the cordless extension cord.
• Can I get your picture? I collect nature disasters
• For all of you who talk about me, thanks for making ME the center of YOUR world!
• I'm cool, I'm hot....I'm everything you're not
• You and the bank own a very lovely home
• I would tell ya to go to hell but all dogs go to heaven
• I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
• Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later
• Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE
• 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? I think not…
• I'm fat, but your ugly. I can diet
• English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
• You may laugh because I'm different but I laugh because you're all the same
• If at first you dont succeed, skydiving isnt for you
• I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!
• I aint guilty, im just not innocent! ;-)
• Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass
• I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says mooooo..
• An answer to that nagging question............... I let the dogs out!
• What do an Icebear have after swimming? Snowballs!
• You know it's always business doing pleasure with you
• If you throw rice at weddings, will asian people throw hotdogs?
• I've lost my phone number, can I have yours?
• When I'm good, I'm really good, but when I'm bad I'm better
• What do they call Bush his zipper? The "U.S. Open"
• Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1823
• Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
• The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with
• You're looking at perfection, and it ain't you!
• Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
• If electricty comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Next time wave all your fingers at me!
• When it comes to baldness, it's not about losing more hair, it's about getting more head.
• The height of laziness is a man is shitting on the beach and waiting for the tide
• You're unique, just like everyone else....
• Everybody has the right to be stupid but your breaking the rules!
• Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
• Save a mouse, eat a pussy.
• Keep Earth clean, it's not Ur-anus
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
• Make love not war. Condoms are cheaper than guns
• Don't do it behind the garden gate love is blind but the neighbours ain't!
• When you judge others you dont define them you define yourself.. :-)
• The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
• A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't
• Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
• Don't be open-minded, your brains might fall out
• Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
• On the other hand, you have different fingers
• Who laughs last, thinks the slowest Pizza is a lot like sex.
• When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good
• I hope I didn't brain my damage
• If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk
• I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it
• Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids
• I'm not a follower... I'm a leader with the same idea
• This is where Napolean beat his bone-a-part
• First law of science: don't spit into the wind
• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
• She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon
• My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Even hot girls have to fart
• I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it
• There are three types of economists. Those who can count, and those who can't
• Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass
• Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who' got the smallest
• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife
• An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work
• Men are like roses, you got to watch out for all the pricks
• Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised
• I don't hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on
• I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by
• Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door
• Ass, Grass, or Gas: everybody's gotta pay
• Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?
• Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?
• I'm not a dumb blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!
• I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends
• Virginity is like a bubble... One tiny prick and it's gone
• They speak of my drinking but they never consider my thirst
• We'd better get outta here, I think I hear one of those silent alarms
• I don't like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times
• If guys had their period, they'd probably brag about the size of our tampons
• Fat people are harder to kidnap
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?
• If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
• I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear
• I must confess, I was born at a very early age
• I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own
• Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

How To Survive A Shark Attack

In the mail today, few really funny 'tips'.

How To Survive A Shark Attack

1: Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.

2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3: Swim with fat people.
Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freekin life.

And finally

5: Don't panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.

Hope this helps.

Whoever came up with this tips definitely made my day.