Burnout

Once upon a time, the adrenalin high from deadlines, long hours, and excessive responsibility – I loved it all because I know I could do it. Ten years forward though in what you call present day and present state of mind, all that is no longer the case. Burnout is an apt word to describe. I have fallen before into several long periods of unproductive paralysis. Most times, I had held my head up high and soldier on, because I chose to look at the glass being half full, on the way to filling up with magic. Magic did happen, but ...I am again looking and staring at the glass - still being half-full, wondering if its contents will vaporize, or if its contents should have alcohol in it?

I know there is no standing still. No one can stand still and watch the world go by. The earth orbits around the sun in perpetual motion and so does every element in the universe, from the very smallest quarks to the biggest of matter. Things will come to pass .... eventually.

What do you want to do with your life?

“What do you want to do with your life?” asked a friend.

“Why such a question? Why ask me?”

“’Cause I want to know what I should do with mine,” he replied selamba mode.

“Well, there are things I’d like to do. For example, volunteering for United Nations will be great I think. That will give me a different perspective about life.”

“And then what? Come back here eat sand? Start all over again?”

“I’d like to try National Geographic, no idea as to the kind of job to have though.”

“Half-cooked decision is unwise. Heard they sack people faster than they hire.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with my life. Tell me, since you asked; do you know what to do with yours then? What are you going to do about yours?”

“That’s why I’m asking you. I thought you would know what to do with yours so I could copy some. Bwahahahaha! Right now I’ve too much money and I don’t know what to do next!”

“Fuck you! Take a vacation lah. Spend some of your fortune. Go to Austria, or Germany again. You like those places ma..”

“Been there. After a week I sure feel bored.”

“Bring your gay partner. Or kidnap some chicks.”

“Haha.. yeah right. I like Switzerland though.”

“Take the next flight out.”

“Too far.”

“Fussy.”

“I go Australia lah.”

“No one’s stopping you.”

“Yeah, Australia is closer.”

“I hate you already. Why did you have to ask me that question? Now I can’t rid it off my mind.”

“Easy for you lah. Just marry a rich guy. You can go shopping all the time. Haha!”

“Tsk! Tsk! Your idea off-tangent wan. Intro one to me lah then.”

“Don’t have. Find one.”

Seven months later, I am still pondering over that question. I had many thoughts and many answers, but each one does not exactly fit in. For each one, he would play Opposition and strike each one till I was left with none.

Seven months later and that is today, I met another strategist brain for dinner.

I sighed, “Boy, my head feels heavy. I don’t know to do with MY life. How did you realize what you want in life?”

“I just knew that the basic of all things is M=Money, therefore I focus on achieving money because that drives me to do and be better. I’m a focus-centric person. I have some visions that I want to achieve. Those are the things that keep me going.”

“Yerr...I like that you have such drive and focus. I envy that.”

“If you don’t know the answers to that question try divvy it up. Create smaller, less ambiguous question like, what kind of job do you want or like and then work it out.”

“Yes, I have tried that. Each initial question meets with a series of questions. At the end of it, the main point is, if I do this or if I do that, what kind of value would it bring to my life in future? And in my future what kind of thing will I be doing? I have no idea about those leh.”

“Yes, totally agree. Therefore you have to work in reverse sequence.”

“That’s a new one,” I said.

“See yourself five years or ten years from now. You set the scenario of your future, things you would have already achieved and done. Then work backward. How did you get there? What action you took to get there. Notice that I asked questions as if it already happened. Instead of, how do you get there, I asked, how did you get there. It’s easier to find answers when you work in reverse sequence and in the process believing that it is already done.”

“I like that thought process. Thanks. Why didn’t I think of that before?”

“Because you’re busy looking for an answer to a wrong question, darling”

“Hey! You’re so right! I feel like an idiot now.”

“Don’t be. It’s good that you asked, because it gives you a fresher take on that isn’t it? Feel better?”

“Totally. Once I get home and unwind, I will have to do some story of my life, from the future. Reminds me of Heroes and Hiro Nakamura – the hero from the future.”

Seven months later and that is today, I found my light.

What's On The Wall

Started painting lately. Haven't done so since high school. I wasn't good then - still the same right now, but does it matter? Art is subjective anyway.

Painting is therapeutic! The first night (it was a weekday) I painted my first 'masterpiece', I only slept at 4 in the morning. I actually woke up the next day feeling really rejuvenated. I mean seriously refreshed. Being a coffee-addict, I didn't even need any to sustain my alertness the next day. I guess it has to do with the fact that I don't need to strain my eyes facing my laptop when I get back home from work.

Back to the subject of painting, I tried Acrylic. Then Pastels, both Soft and Oil. I must say, Acrylic is my favorite although I love Soft Pastels. :) Will probably post my 'masterpieces' soon enough (that means as soon as I wake up from the spirit of being lazy which is the state I am currently in right now).

The Very Many Things

...I wish to write about but just could not, or rather would not. The silent awakening transcending logic. I feel like coming home. I feel home.